• Anecdotes

* (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My wife Fell Off
* If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
* The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
* I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

• You Know You're Too Stressed When

You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.
The sun is too loud.
You are missing several days from this week.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is "really" a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
You can hear mimes.
Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before

• If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...

...You either married it or gave birth to it.

• A Mouse Story

A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen. "Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me." Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room.

"How did you do that?" asked the country mouse.

"Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a
second language."
Click here for more jokes

• Contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Click here for more jokes

• 50th Wedding Anniversary

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was, when he finished his sentence with "..underwater."

• A mother daughter moment

A mother was telling her little daughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

• New baby on the way

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

• I can't find my way home!

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

• Haircuts

A man and a boy entered a hair salon together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I am going across the street to buy a new tie," he told the boy. "I'll be back in just a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks as though your daddy has forgotten about you."
The boy replied, "That wasn't my daddy. He just walked up to me, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're going to get a free haircut!'"

• Farmer and Bug

A farmer was in the barn milking his cow. He was just starting to fill the bucket when a large bug flew into the barn and started circling around his head. Then the bug flew right into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until a moment later, the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

• Sentencing

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

• Ooops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a speeding motorist who was driving down the street. “Officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet!” replied the officer. “You're going to spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say...”
“I said be quiet! You’re going to jail! And that's that!”
A few hours later the officer checked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding right now so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Well, I wouldn't count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

• Long Trip

For three long hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a large photo album of all twelve of her grandchildren.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation talking about her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm very sorry. I know you certainly must have something to say. Please tell me...what do you think of my grandchildren?"

• Chocolate Easter Bunnies

• Golfing with An Older Lady

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an older lady shuffled onto the tee and asked if she could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the her to join him.

To his surprise the lady played fairly quickly. She didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the lady finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The lady offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

• The Mechanic versus the doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Come on over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Doc, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."

• Everything is high tech.

A teen was babysitting for six year old twins who were misbehaving badly. After repeatedly telling them to act properly, she finally grabbed her cell phone.
"That's it", she said, "I'm e-mailing your mother!"

• You cure anyway you can

An elderly woman went to her doctor with a problem. She bolted out of his office screaming. Concerned, the nurse went in to ask the doctor what had happened. "What did you say to that woman?" she inquired.
"I told her she was pregnant," said the doctor.
"That's strange," said the nurse, "why would you do that?"
"Well," smiled the doctor, "it sure cured her hiccups in a hurry."

• How times change

Working in the computer lab at a local high school I overheard the following conversation:
"What are all these books with the same colour covers?"
"They are encyclopedias."
"Wow, can you believe it - someone actually printed out the entire thing!"

• Family Ties

A couple drove down a country road for several miles not speaking. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, the husband said in a sarcastic tone, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied, "in-laws."

• Acute Angina